1. A middle aged woman goes to the doctors one day and the doctor asks;
"Ma'am what can I help you with today?"
"Well I've got a really sore back, Doc, it just won't go away", she exclaims.
"Ah I see", says the doc. "Is there anything you've been doing that could have caused this", he added.
"Well.." she paused. "My husband said that he wanted to spice up our sex life.. he said that he wanted me to give him as many rim jobs as I could, everyday of the week", she said.
"Oh gosh", the doctor said surprised by her revelation.
"I know it's rather rude Doc, but I think that's where i've been getting my back pain from, I've been cleaning his car tyres for the past three freakin' weeks, and he's still not bleeding happy!!!"
2.An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included, had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them", she replied.
''Well, they are here, and you could have", he responded.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows, for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!", and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00".
"That's correct", she replied. "There's $50.00 for the room, and I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!", said the manager. "Well, too bad", she announced. "I was here, and you could have!".
3. A Police Officer waiting on the side of a busy motorway to catch speeding drivers, sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" The elderly driver says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain his laughter, explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole
time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a couple of minutes officer. We've just come off the A120".
4. A 7 year old and a four year old were in their bedroom.
"You know what", says 7 year old, "I think its's time we started swearing".
"Okay", says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have coco pops, bitch".
'Whacckk', he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4-year-old and said, "And what do you want?".
"Dunno, but it won't be fucking coco pops", he said
5. A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, and by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her;
"Do it but ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks her;
"What happened?" She responds;
"The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
6. A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.
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